Why Marriage Breaks Down During the First Few Years (And How to Repair It)

In most marriages, the kind of emotional relationship that had a great start might begin to lose strength over time. This is often because life obligations, pressures, and schedules can emotionally alienate partners. Without steadfast care, the attachment may disintegrate and leave both sides disoriented.

Factors Leading to Emotional Disconnect

• Detachment: When you’re busy, your conversational quality can slip away, and you’ll be unable to make sense of things.
• Routine & Monotony: If you constantly follow the same old same old with no spontaneity or transition, your relationship will stay stagnant.
• Incomplete Disputes: Storing past conflicts with incomplete resolution builds a sense of estrangement.
• Neglecting Intimacy: The emotional and physical connection gets overlooked when partners focus on their ex-stressors (such as family or work).
• Differing Life Goals: Partners tend to drift apart over time when their goals or values shift.
• Outward Challenges: Emotional tension can be incurred due to financial hardship, work or family problems.

10 Ways to Regain Emotional Connection.

1: Prioritize Open Communication

• Example: Allow yourself 20-30 minutes a day to talk uninterrupted about your emotions, hopes, and struggles with one another.
• Tip: Make it a place where both partners can voice their opinions and don’t feel like being judged.

2: Develop New Mutually Assuring Experiences.

• Example: Do something different this time, such as go on a weekend vacation or take a cooking class.
• Tip: The adventure of the unexpected can spark a renewed sense of wonder in your relationship.

3: Show Appreciation Regularly

• Example: Give small tokens of thanks or send texts during the day to thank your spouse.
• Tip: Giving and receiving gratitude often creates an atmosphere of positive energy and shows your spouse that they’re appreciated.

4: Resolve Conflicts Thoughtfully

• Example: In disputes, try listening and confirming what your partner feels before reacting.
• Tip: Avoid facing the issue head on with anger and frustration, speak with restrained and calm empathy about your issues. Sometimes it is better to take a “cool” down period of time to process the problem before trying to fix it together.
  • Remember: It’s the two you against the problem. Not you verse your partner.

5: Rebuild Physical Intimacy

• Example: Get physical affection back like handholding, hugging, or kissing throughout the day.
• Tip: Tiny physical touches, that are soft and sweet, especially outside of the bedroom, can help regain emotional connection.

6: Talk about Long-Term Visions and Values

• Example: Discuss over dinner where you both want to be in 5 or 10 years — as individuals and as a couple.
• Tip: By identifying the common goals or themes in this discussion, you will feel that partnership and cooperation can be revived.

7: Practice Empathy

• Example: Seeking to empathize with your partner’s feelings by consciously listening to them and accepting their feelings in a nonjudgmental way.
• Tip: Whenever your partner says something, reflect on how you’d feel in their situation to acquire emotional insight.
  • Remember: Your partner is your person. If you can’t empathize or even sympathize with them while they are going through something, then they might feel misunderstood and unloved. If that’s the case, they might retreat from the relationship to “protect” themselves emotionally, which in turn can cause you to feel unwanted or unloved. Sometimes, the hardest thing is to take the first step closer to try and close the gap in the relationship.  

8: Couples therapy doesn’t mean it’s over

• Example: If you have trouble talking to each other, see a couples therapist who can give you some resources for getting emotionally close again.
• Tip: During therapy, one uncovers root causes and heals the disconnects.

9: Reintroduce Spontaneity

• Example: Surprise your significant other with a date night at a place they have always wanted to try or surprise gift that they have mentioned before.
• Tip: Random acts of goodness and love are what keep the relationship alive.

10: Use Intimacy-Enhancing Tools

• Example: Include sex toys or other intimating props to find new ways of bonded bodies and minds.
• Tip: Talking about intimacy and desire can bring you back together on a deeper, more vulnerable level.

Key Takeaways to Rekindle Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage

Detachment affects most marriages, but it’s possible with effort and a plan to restore the connection. Small, incremental steps towards a greater connection can be achieved differently, even by experiencing something new and rekindling intimacy. Don’t forget your relationship is something that must be constantly cared for in order for it to survive. Being married means a union of the heart, body, and mind. When one is out of rhythm, the others fall out of sync, too! You might not get back to the same rhythm again, but as long as you can get back in sync with each other, the marriage will prevail.